ALCOHOL WAS A FACTOR: Weekly Newspapering in Rural Alaska
Why Would a Grown Man Dress Up Like a Bear? Or a Tiger?
Because He Can.
I have done a good share of writing about Joe Parnell, the bear from Haines, Alaska, who is tragically trapped inside a man costume.
Joe has lived in Haines for so many years that he’s lost count; he knows the number in man years, but is baffled by the number of grizzly denning winters.
Hailing from Ohio, where there are no longer bears, Joe is an anomaly, even here in a town where bears are as common as bear hunters.
He started wearing the costume years ago when he drove a tourist van and people who came here in the summer began a Buddhist’s chant:
“Where are the bears? Take us to the bears. We have to see the bears.”
So Joe sent away to some company on the Internet and $600 and lots of postage later, had himself a realistic bear suit.
Joe has worn his suit just about everywhere. He soon added suits for a tiger, caterpillar, lion, you name it. The menagerie from the hairy mind of Joe Parnell.
One day, Joe took the ferry over to nearby Skagway.
What follows is his own account, so can hear the story straight from the bear’s mouth.
By JOE PARNELL
“At one point I had car bumper in my teeth.
I had to get new license plates so I had to go to Skagway. I packed my bear suit and roller blades, of course, because Skagway is said to be “like Disneyworld.”
They don’t say that in a nice way in Haines.
At first I did pretty well, I went down Main Street, sometimes on the sidewalk and sometimes on the street. I admit I scared some people and it could be considered cruel by people with no sense of humor but it is the funniest thing there is.
I crawled back and forth across the street and held up a couple shuttle buses and maybe a big Grayliner. Hey, everyone wants to see a bear. Every customer of the cruise ships, every employee and the captain.
“I went in the candy store and chased the workers around. When I came out four pretty ladies arrived and wanted their picture with the bear. I said, “it’s mating season.” They groaned.
I went to eat lunch with my friend Niall, who I called my handler but was too embarrassed to hang out with me.
As we ate our fish and ships and swatted ravens, the police went driving by. I knew they were on to me. I could see it in the officer’s eyes, he was looking for bear.
I went back to main street after lunch but I didn’t even make it half a block when the police officer pulled up in his car, rolled down the passenger side window and said, “Hey Smokey get over here.”
I said, “Yes sir, what can I do for you?”
He asked, “wWat are you doing?”
I said, “It’s a weight loss program.”
He said, “Who are you working for?”
I said, “God likes it when I do this.” Which the funny thing about that is, it’s true.
He said, “You got ID?”
I said “Yes officer.” And gave him my ID. I am used to dealing with the police. You want to make sure you have ID and be polite and make sure they can see your claws at all times.
He started writing my information down furiously on a clipboard. He said, “I am putting
you on a wildlife watch list.”
I said, “Cool, I could use the advertising.”
He said, “What? Are you doing a show or something, is this being filmed?”
I said, “No sir, I am not against doing a show but haven’t found a producer and I can’t film myself. Am I doing something illegal?”
He said we got a report you were getting in the trash.
I had to laugh about that because that was patently false. I said, officer, there’s no trash cans on Main Street; how could I have been getting in the trash?
He said, “Well, we don’t see people in bear suits often, just don’t get in the trash.”
I said, “Too bad, that is the best part.”
I had a sign that said HOMELESS on one side and WILL WORK FOR HONEY on the other and I stood on a corner being a homeless bear.
I wasn’t real comfortable doing this because I don’t like making fun of homeless people because I feel bad for them because I’m Methodist. But when you are an artist you have to try new things so I put it out there and it went pretty well.
One guy gave me five dollars but I had no pocket to put it in.
Then I ditched the sign and began crawling around again. People liked the bear and that caused me to put a car’s bumper in my mouth that was stopped to check out the bear, then I jumped up and roared and growled at the driver who was laughing hysterically.
Well then the police officer arrives again and he tells me that I can have fun but he got several calls that I was lunging at car. But c’mon, they are in cars, they are protected pretty good, what do people think, I am going to jump right through the glass window?
Then I went to the police station to get my license plates in my suit and took off my head. The dispatcher/DMV lady said, “Joe Parnell, we’ve been hearing about you.”
I asked the dispatcher/DMV lady if she wanted to see the bear and she said no, not really. Then she complained that my suit smelled.
She used the word “ripe.”
Then I had an epiphany.
I said, “Wow, the police here don’t seem to understand bearology (sic) very well. Maybe you could hire me to do some training. I’ll get in the cherry trees and you can shoot me with the rubber bullets and I’ll run around town and stuff and you can practice bear response and I can pick up a side job.”
She said, “Not happening.”
I took the forms for new license plates outside and did them, turned them in and told her to tell the chief I was getting on the five fifteen ferry back to Haines and going back to the woods.
She said, “Good.”
Then I went to find Niall who was at the other end of town in the Skagway Brewing Co., a restaurant/bar. I crawled around in there and tried to paw at people’s French fries.
I admit I snapped a little bit, it happens sometimes when I wear the bear suit. I was becoming a bear in my head.
I thought “Mmm, hamburgers smell good, me want.’
So I went in the kitchen and first thing I saw was a trash can and I started getting in it. I decided to take a break I went outside and laid down on the sidewalk.
Five kids showed up. They started pulling the bear’s ears and tail so I growled. They said, “Will you chase us?”
So I started roaring and chasing five kids towards Canada which I bring up because that is close to pure joy. I wish that was my job, chasing kids in a bear suit and when that got old, I’d wear a gorilla suit.
Then they asked if they could chase me and I started running back towards the brewery and they ran after me. The dad was coming out the door just as I got there and was laughing so hard I thought he might dislocate his jaw. He said, “Can I get your picture?”
I said, “Sure.”
The kids tried to get on the bear’s back for a picture of them riding the bear. I looked at the man’s watch and said, “Oops, gotta go or we’ll miss the ferry.”
Niall and I worked hard against the wind to get to the south end of main street and when we arrived at the ferry terminal parking lot, there were three police officers and three cars. I saluted as I skated by. Niall said they told him to make sure I was on the boat.
The ferry terminal folks were glad to see the bear.
I said, “How much is a crawl on ticket to Haines. Can I still get on?”
He said. “I can sell you a ticket but you have to promise not to scare anyone on the ferry.”
I promised.
Someone said, “You should work at Disneyland.”
I thought, doing what?”
Maybe one day, Joe Parnell will come to your town.
If you’re lucky.
